Keeping a Behaviour-Change Journal

The purpose of a behaviour-change journal is honest self-reflection: noticing your patterns, understanding your choices, and planning safer responses. It is a tool for accountability to yourself, not a record to build a case against someone else.

If you find yourself using the journal mainly to document another person’s behaviour, that is a warning sign. Refocus it on your own choices.

Your journal is private. Keep it somewhere secure — a notebook you control, or a password-protected file on a device only you can access. Do not store it where the person whose behaviour you are reflecting on could find it.

Nothing you write here is sent anywhere. This article provides a template for you to use privately; it does not collect or upload your answers.

When you describe a situation, describe your own behaviour accurately — what you did, said, and chose. Avoid minimising language (“I just…”) and avoid building a case against the other person.

The aim is to see your own behaviour clearly, including the parts you would rather not face.

Notice what was going through your mind, what you felt, and what your body was doing — tension, raised voice, clenched fists, a racing heart. These are early warning signs.

Learning to read your own warning signs is a key skill. The earlier you notice them, the more chance you have to choose a safer response.

Name the choice you made, and ask whether entitlement was involved — a belief that you had the right to control, punish, pressure or override. Entitlement is often the engine behind harmful behaviour.

Honesty here matters. If you tell yourself you “had no choice”, you are unlikely to make a different choice next time.

Consider the effect of your behaviour on the other person and on any children present or affected. How might they have experienced it? What impact might it have had?

This is not about self-punishment. It is about taking the impact seriously, which is necessary for change.

For each situation, identify a safer alternative — what you could have done that would not have involved control, pressure or harm. This is the practical core of the journal.

Planning alternatives in advance makes it more likely you will use them when a similar situation arises.

Once a week, read back over your entries and look for patterns — recurring triggers, repeated choices, warning signs that keep appearing. Patterns are more revealing than single incidents.

Use the review to decide what you want to work on in the coming week. A journal that is never reviewed is just a record; a journal that is reviewed becomes a tool for change.

Use this template for each entry. Copy it into your own private notebook or file — nothing here is submitted or stored by this website.

1. 1Situation: what happened (your behaviour, described honestly)
2. 2Warning signs: thoughts, feelings and body signals I noticed
3. 3The choice I made, and whether entitlement was involved
4. 4Effect on the other person and any children
5. 5A safer alternative I could have chosen
6. 6What I will practise for next time

A journal is a support for change, not a substitute for it. If you are continuing to use harmful behaviour, or if you notice warning signs you cannot manage alone, seek specialist support.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, act now — contact a crisis service or call 999. A journal cannot manage an emergency.

Specialist behaviour-change support can help you use reflection effectively and address patterns that a journal alone cannot change. The Respect Phoneline can help you find appropriate services.