Recognising Early Warning Patterns

Domestic abuse can include physical or sexual abuse, threatening behaviour, controlling or coercive behaviour, economic abuse and psychological or emotional abuse.

Early warning signs are therefore not limited to anger. They may include jealousy, monitoring, demanding explanations, using money as leverage, repeated unwanted contact or feeling entitled to another person’s time, attention or forgiveness.

Lasting change means looking honestly at the whole pattern of behaviour—not only whether physical violence has occurred.

Pay attention when thoughts like these begin to appear:

• “They are making me behave like this.”
• “I deserve an answer immediately.”
• “They should have forgiven me by now.”
• “I need to know where they are.”
• “If they cared, they would prove it.”
• “I have changed, so they should trust me.”
• “It is only a message, so it cannot be harmful.”

Having a thought is not the same as acting on it. However, these thoughts can be a signal to pause and challenge what you are telling yourself.

Ask yourself:

• Am I taking responsibility for my choices, or placing responsibility on someone else?
• Am I respecting the other person’s boundaries?
• Am I seeking reassurance, contact or forgiveness that is not being freely given?
• Could the action I am considering make somebody feel pressured, watched, frightened or unsafe?

Changes in your body or emotions can also warn you that you need to pause. These may include:

• A tight jaw or tense shoulders.
• Faster or shallower breathing.
• Pacing or feeling unable to sit still.
• Replaying an argument repeatedly.
• Finding it difficult to listen.
• Feeling an urgent need to send a message.
• Wanting to check social media, a phone or somebody’s location.
• Feeling an urge to confront somebody immediately.

Feelings do not cause abusive behaviour, and they do not excuse it. They are information that can help you recognise when your next choice needs extra care.

Possible warning behaviours can include:

• Raising your voice or changing your tone to intimidate somebody.
• Refusing to allow a conversation to end.
• Following somebody from room to room.
• Blocking a doorway or preventing somebody from leaving.
• Taking, hiding or checking another person’s phone.
• Repeatedly calling or messaging after being asked to stop.
• Monitoring locations, online activity or friendships.
• Questioning children about another adult.
• Using children, relatives or friends to pass messages.
• Threatening consequences if somebody does not respond.
• Damaging belongings or behaving aggressively around objects.
• Withholding money or essential support as leverage.
• Turning up unexpectedly at somebody’s home, workplace or another location.

Do not wait for the situation to become more serious before responding. A warning sign is an opportunity to choose differently.

If you notice warning signs, use a safe pause:

1. 1Stop the conversation without blaming, insulting or threatening anybody.
2. 2Respect the other person’s need for space and allow them to leave.
3. 3Move away calmly if it is safe and lawful to do so.
4. 4Do not follow them, block an exit, take their phone or demand that they continue talking.
5. 5Do not repeatedly call, message or contact them through another person.
6. 6Avoid alcohol or drugs, as these can make safe decision-making more difficult.
7. 7Contact a professional, programme worker or agreed accountability person.

A pause must not become another form of punishment or control. Disappearing to cause anxiety, threatening not to return or withholding essential money is not a responsible pause.

When you are calm, reflect on what happened. You may find it useful to write down your answers to these questions:

• What was the situation?
• What did I think I was entitled to?
• What did I notice in my body?
• What did I want the other person to do?
• Did I apply pressure, directly or indirectly?
• Which boundary did I respect—or fail to respect?
• What safer action could I take next time?
• Who can I discuss this with honestly?

Keep the focus on your own choices. An accountability check is not an opportunity to build a case against the other person.

A partner, former partner or family member is not responsible for managing your emotions, calming you down or proving that they trust you.

Genuine change includes accepting that other people control their own contact, decisions, boundaries and relationships. They may need more distance, stronger boundaries or no contact at all.

Your responsibility is to behave safely and respectfully, whether or not you receive the response you want.

If you believe you may hurt, threaten, frighten or pressure somebody, move away from the situation if it is safe to do so and seek specialist help immediately.

You can contact the Respect Phoneline on 0808 802 4040, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm. It offers confidential information and support for people concerned about their behaviour towards a partner or former partner.

If somebody is in immediate danger, call 999. If you are calling from a mobile and cannot speak, listen to the operator and press 55 when prompted.