Building an Accountable Support Network

There is a crucial difference between support and collusion. Support helps you change; collusion helps you feel better about not changing. “She provoked you”, “anyone would have done it”, and “it wasn’t that bad” are collusion, not support.

A person who truly supports your change will hold you to account, not comfort you out of it.

Choose people who are honest, calm, and willing to challenge you. Avoid people who encourage blame-shifting, who dislike the other parent on your behalf, or who will help you contact someone you should not contact.

A good support person can listen and also say “that wasn’t okay” when it is needed. That combination is what makes support useful.

Include specialist professionals in your network — a behaviour-change practitioner, a therapist where appropriate, or a key worker. Specialist support addresses the patterns that friendship alone cannot.

The Respect Phoneline can help you find accredited, quality-assured services. Generic friendship is not a substitute for specialist work.

Ask the people in your network to challenge your excuses. Tell them explicitly that you want to be held to account, not reassured. This gives them permission to be honest with you.

If someone in your network never challenges you, they may be colluding. A network where no-one ever pushes back is not an accountable one.

No-one in your support network should contact, approach, or gather information about the person you have harmed — not on your behalf, and not “to help”. This is a continuation of abuse, not support.

If someone offers to find things out or pass messages for you, refuse. A support person who helps you monitor or reach a former partner is helping you abuse them.

Do not make a current partner, former partner, or child responsible for your change. Your accountability is your responsibility, not theirs. Asking them to monitor, reassure, or “keep you on track” places an unfair and unsafe burden on them.

A child must never be made responsible for a parent’s behaviour change. That is harmful to the child and is not real accountability.

Agree with your support network what they will do if they notice increased risk — for example if you start talking about contacting someone, minimising your behaviour, or showing warning signs. A plan made in advance is easier to act on.

This might include them checking in with you, encouraging you to contact a service, or, if someone is in danger, contacting the appropriate help. Agreeing this beforehand removes the guesswork in a difficult moment.

Protect the privacy of everyone involved. Do not share the other person’s personal information, location, or details with your support network. Share your own behaviour and your own work — not someone else’s life.

Respecting privacy is part of respecting boundaries. A support network that trades in someone else’s private information is not a safe one.

Review your support network regularly. Are the people in it still helping you change, or have some become sources of collusion? It is okay to step back from people who undermine your accountability.

Support needs change over time. What helped in the first month after a programme may not be what helps a year later. Keep the network current.

1. 1Will they tell me the truth, even when it is uncomfortable?
2. 2Will they refuse to excuse, minimise or blame-shift for me?
3. 3Will they refuse to contact, approach or gather information about the other person?
4. 4Will they encourage me to use specialist support rather than rely only on them?
5. 5Will they act if they notice warning signs or increased risk?
6. 6Do they respect the boundaries and orders that apply to me?

If you cannot answer “yes” to all of these, that person is not the right accountability supporter.

Building an accountable network can be difficult, especially if your previous relationships have been isolating or controlling. Specialist behaviour-change support can help you think about who to include and how. The Respect Phoneline is a good starting point.