Recognising Post-Separation Abuse

Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, former partners remain “personally connected”, so behaviour after a relationship ends can fall within the definition of domestic abuse. Post-separation abuse is common and is taken seriously.

Because the relationship has ended, the routes for abuse change. Control may shift to communication, finances, parenting arrangements, or legal processes—but the underlying pattern can continue.

Repeated messages, calls, emails or contact through other people after being asked to stop, or where there is no legitimate reason to contact, can be a form of abuse. Persistence is not harmless; it can create fear and pressure.

Where a no-contact order or bail condition is in place, breaching it is also a legal matter. Respecting someone’s request for no contact is a basic boundary.

Turning up uninvited at someone’s home, workplace or other location, or following them, can be intimidating and may amount to harassment or stalking. The fact that you “just wanted to talk” does not make it acceptable.

If someone has asked for space or a court has set restrictions, honour them. Do not engineer “accidental” encounters.

Checking someone’s social media, using shared accounts to track them, or using technology to monitor their location without their agreement is a form of control. Technology can extend abuse after separation.

This article does not describe how to monitor someone. If you are monitoring a former partner, that is behaviour to stop and seek help with, not a technique to refine.

Shared accounts, family device plans, smart-home devices and cloud storage can be misused to access information, retain control, or disrupt someone’s life after separation. Review and separate access properly as part of ending the relationship.

Do not use shared access to read messages, change passwords to lock someone out, or retain backdoor access to their accounts. Separate your digital lives cleanly and respect their privacy.

Withholding agreed financial support, delaying settlement, running up shared debts, or withholding essentials such as children’s items can be economic abuse after separation. Money is a common route for continued control.

Follow financial agreements and court orders. Where finances are disputed, use the proper legal process rather than using money as leverage.

Communication about children can be misused to continue control—raising unrelated grievances, demanding responses, using messages to monitor or intimidate, or refusing to communicate reasonably about practical arrangements.

Keep parenting communication brief, focused on the child, and through the agreed channel. Do not use it as a back door to a relationship the other person has ended.

Using children to pass messages, gather information, or pressure the other parent is harmful to the child and is a form of post-separation abuse. So is recruiting relatives or friends to press your case or monitor the other person.

Children should be kept out of adult conflict. If you need to communicate, use a permitted channel or a professional intermediary.

Threatening to share private information, images or secrets to damage someone’s reputation is a form of coercive control. Sharing intimate images without agreement can be a criminal offence.

Whatever you know about a former partner, you do not have the right to use it against them. Retaliation through reputation is abuse.

Some people use repeated, unfounded legal applications or complaints to harass a former partner, drain their resources, or maintain contact through the courts. This is a recognised form of post-separation abuse.

This does not mean legitimate legal applications are abusive. People are entitled to use the courts properly to resolve genuine disputes about children or finances. The distinction is between genuine legal recourse and applications whose real purpose is harassment or control.

After separation, respect the other person’s boundaries and any legal restrictions—non-molestation orders, bail conditions, child arrangements orders, or undertakings. These are not obstacles to work around; they are limits to follow.

If you want to change an order, the route is to apply through the court, not to breach it. Breaching orders harms your case and can be a criminal offence.

If you recognise these patterns in your own behaviour after separation, the accountable response is to stop, reflect, and seek help. Concrete steps include:

• Stop all contact that is not necessary and not agreed.
• Follow any court orders or conditions exactly.
• Use only the agreed channel for any necessary parenting communication, and keep it brief and child-focused.
• Separate shared accounts and technology cleanly, without retaining hidden access.
• Do not use children, relatives or friends to gather information or press your case.
• Contact the Respect Phoneline or a behaviour-change service for support.

If you are concerned about your behaviour, the Respect Phoneline offers confidential support. If you are affected by someone else’s post-separation abuse, specialist services such as the National Domestic Abuse Helpline can help.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 999. If you cannot speak, listen to the operator and press 55.