Understanding Coercive Control in Everyday Behaviour

In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour is defined in law as a course of behaviour that is used repeatedly or continuously against a partner, former partner or family member, that has a serious effect on them, and that the person knew or ought to have known would have that effect.

A “serious effect” generally means the behaviour causes someone to fear violence on at least two occasions, or has a substantial adverse effect on their day-to-day activities. This is a legal definition applied by courts; this article describes it in general terms and does not reach a legal conclusion about any individual.

A single action—asking a question, checking in, offering help—is not necessarily controlling. What matters is the pattern: whether behaviours are repeated, whether they restrict another person’s freedom, and whether they create fear or compliance.

Looking at one incident in isolation can make controlling behaviour look reasonable. Looking at the pattern over time is what reveals whether control is present.

Monitoring can include checking someone’s phone or messages, demanding passwords, tracking their location, reviewing their social media, or questioning them about who they have spoken to.

Occasional, mutual and agreed sharing is different from one-sided surveillance. The key question is whether the behaviour is used to watch, restrict or pressure the other person.

Control often works by cutting someone off from their support network. This can look like criticising their friends or family, making visits difficult, picking fights before social events, or making someone feel guilty for spending time with others.

Over time, isolation leaves a person with fewer people to talk to, fewer places to go, and less ability to recognise or resist the control.

Controlling access to money is a common form of coercive control. This can include withholding money, demanding receipts and explanations for every spend, running up debt in someone’s name, or preventing them from working.

Financial control limits a person’s choices and can make it very hard to leave or act independently. It is explored in more detail in our article on recognising and changing financial control.

Control often involves imposing rules—about clothing, contact, routines, or household tasks—and enforcing them through threats, anger or punishment. Even without physical violence, the threat of a reaction can be enough to make someone comply.

Intimidation can be subtle: a look, a tone, a slammed door, a reminder of “what happened last time.” If it makes someone change their behaviour out of fear, it functions as control.

Coercive control does not always end when a relationship ends. It can continue through unwanted contact, using children to apply pressure, financial games, prolonged legal conflict, or monitoring a former partner’s life.

Post-separation control is taken seriously by courts and professionals. The end of a relationship is not the end of responsibility for your behaviour.

Children, relatives and friends can be drawn into control—used to pass messages, gather information, apply pressure, or make a former partner feel guilty. This harms the people used as well as the person being controlled.

Involving children in adult conflict is itself a safeguarding concern. Children should never be used as messengers, informants or leverage.

The cumulative effect of coercive control is a loss of autonomy—the ability to make your own choices, move freely, spend money, see people, and feel safe. Even when no single incident seems serious, the overall effect can be devastating.

Understanding this helps explain why “I never hit anyone” is not a defence. Control causes real harm through its effect on a person’s freedom and safety, not only through physical violence.

If you are concerned about your own conduct, ask yourself honestly:

• Do I check, monitor or question my partner’s or former partner’s movements, contacts or messages?
• Do I restrict their access to money, friends, family or activities?
• Do I use anger, threats or withdrawal to get my way?
• Do I impose rules they are expected to follow?
• Do I use children or others to apply pressure or gather information?
• Would they feel free to say no to me without fear of the consequences?

If the honest answer to any of these is yes, that is a signal to seek specialist support, not to explain it away.

This article provides general information, not a legal assessment of any relationship. Whether particular behaviour amounts to a criminal offence is a matter for the police and the courts, based on the specific facts.

If you are concerned about your own behaviour, the Respect Phoneline offers confidential support. If you are affected by someone else’s behaviour, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline can help. For legal questions, speak to a qualified solicitor.