How Domestic Abuse Can Affect Children

Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, where the statutory definition applies, a child who sees, hears or experiences the effects of domestic abuse is recognised as a victim in their own right, not merely as a witness to what happens between adults.

This reflects what professionals and research have long understood: the effects of abuse on children are direct and serious, even when the abuse is directed at another adult.

Children are affected when they see or hear abuse, but also when they experience its effects—a parent who is frightened, a home that is tense, routines that are disrupted, or a caregiver who is controlled and diminished.

Even very young children, including babies, are affected by the atmosphere in the home. Harm does not depend on a child understanding what is happening.

Children may show a range of effects, including:

• Anxiety, fearfulness or hypervigilance.
• Difficulty sleeping, eating or concentrating.
• Anger, aggression or withdrawal.
• Regression to earlier behaviours.
• Difficulties at school and with friendships.
• Physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach-aches.
• Sadness, low mood or loss of confidence.

These are responses to distress, not bad behaviour. They signal that a child needs safety and support.

Children respond differently depending on their age, temperament, the support around them, and how long the situation lasted. Two children in the same home can be affected in very different ways.

This is why it is a mistake to assume a child is “fine” because they seem okay, or to assume another is unaffected because they are quiet. Each child’s experience is their own.

Children often feel responsible for the adults around them—for keeping the peace, for a parent’s mood, or for the abuse itself. This is a heavy and harmful burden that no child should carry.

Responsible parenting includes making clear to children, in age-appropriate ways, that the abuse was not their fault and that looking after adults is not their job.

Children should never be drawn into adult conflict. This means not speaking negatively about the other parent to them, not asking them about the other parent’s life, and not using them to pass messages.

Loyalty pressure—being made to feel they must choose a side—is deeply harmful. A child is entitled to love both parents without guilt, where it is safe to do so, and should never be treated as an ally or an informant.

If a child wants to talk, listen calmly and let them tell you in their own words. Avoid leading questions or pressing for details, which can be distressing and can affect any later professional process.

Reassure them that they are not in trouble, that they are believed, and that adults are working to keep them safe. Do not promise outcomes you cannot guarantee.

Stable routines—regular meals, sleep, school and activities—help children feel safer after disruption. So do safe, consistent relationships with trusted adults.

Support your child’s friendships and their relationship with the other parent where it is safe and appropriate. Their wellbeing, not your feelings about the other adult, is the priority.

Where children’s services, CAFCASS or the court are involved, follow their guidance exactly. This includes child protection plans, contact arrangements and any conditions placed on you.

Professionals’ focus is the child’s welfare and safety. Engaging honestly and following their guidance is one of the clearest ways to show you are a safe, child-focused parent. Our article on working constructively with your social worker covers this in detail.

If a child discloses abuse or distress, take it seriously. Listen, do not interrogate, reassure them they are not to blame, and share the information with the appropriate professional or authority.

Do not attempt to investigate yourself or question the other parent about what the child has said. Where there is a risk of harm, contact children’s services or the police. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

Specialist support is available for children and for adults worried about a child:

• NSPCC Helpline: 0808 800 5000 — for adults concerned about a child.
• Childline: 0800 1111 — free, confidential support for children.
• If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

These services can advise on what to do next and how to support a child who has been affected.